June 2021

Dear Friends,

Gina Murdock, founder of Lead with Love, with her identical twin daughters Bijoux Celine & Allegra Delphine

Letting go: the ache of it and the liberation

Honoring those we lost by living each day with gratitude, awe and wonder

To get to the place I am now I had to let go. I had to let go of my timeline and my expectations. I could not let go any sooner than I did although I desperately wanted to. Many people told me to let go and it was hard not to hate the “advice” that came so often, “You just have to let go and it will happen…” (Add barf emoji here!) Please don’t say that to someone who is hurting, struggling, gripping and needing something to be different. It doesn’t help, it hurts. It hurts to know if only I could do this thing called “letting go” in the right way and deep enough I too could realize my dream like so and so did. Really? Well I can’t and now I feel even worse than I did before, but I’ll say thank you and “I know” and then go cry even harder if only I could only find a place to hide.

Be with suffering to offer genuine support. I hear you. I see you. I honor this longing with you as I sit with you in presence and love. I will not diminish it by offering my advice right now. I see you are in it. You will come to me when you want my advice and if you do I will offer it gently in the form of an inquiry for you to discover the answers for yourself. This is how we heal. Let me feel it. Be with it. Please don’t try to fix it for me.

Letting go is a deeply nuanced, personal and layered process. For me, it has taken over a decade and is, unfortunately, something I have to continually remind myself to do because my ego grips and wants control and wants to know and wants things to be a certain way. Life is a miraculous gift and it is also a mystery. I’ve learned I must embrace the “not knowing” to joyfully live this life. And JOY is my compass.

The fantasy I had about being a mother and how it would look and feel was deeply embedded in me. Year after year as the conditions of this particular fantasy failed, as my babies did not come, I felt shame, blame, guilt, jealousy and even anger and rage. It simply was not fair, I thought, and I lived in that unfairness. That was no fun. Now, I have two precious babies, two adorable dogs, an amazing house in a gorgeous little town, a loving husband, family and friends, glorious food and drink, access to travel and an endless number of enriching activities. Not to mention a beautiful organization that was born out of the compost of the years of “trying”. Am I happy? You bet I am! Do I know how I created this? Not really. All I know is the purity of my intent and the sincerity of my surrender. I am walking on my knees these days, steeped in gratitude, awe and wonder. Thank you God.

One area that I have a hard time letting go of is death. It used to be that I didn’t fear death, but now I do (darn it!) I have two daughters and I want to be with them through all of it. I am growing more and more attached to them by the day/hour/minute and it frightens me. While I believe that death is a beautiful new beginning I also cannot fathom the pain of it. My parents faced the ultimate pain of watching their 5-year-old daughter Michele die before I was born. I look at my two-month-old girls and I simply can not imagine it. Yet, I know clinging in any form to any thing creates suffering so I invite myself to relax, allow, enjoy and just be with the beauty of what is right now. That feels like the long exhale that I needed after holding my breath (figuratively) throughout my pregnancy, birth and the first six-weeks or so as we focused on putting weight on two tiny premature babies. I need to exhale. Let it be. Accept the miracle. Allow the grace. Acknowledge the work. And keep doing the things day by day that lead me to feel grounded, inspired and grateful: Yoga, meditation, connection with others, nature and with God.

We’ve lost several core members of our Lead with Love community over the last few years. I struggle with that loss, to accept it and to allow it (not that I have a choice). I am not really ok that our event producer and fabulous friend Heather Morrow passed away this year after a traumatic brain injury. I am not really ok that Louis Amoroso, one of the most vibrant, warm and wonderful humans I’ve known who was a constant loving presence at each of our Lead with Love Summit’s, passed from an aggressive form of cancer after less than a year of being diagnosed. And I am not ok that Arin Trook, a dear friend and mentor who led ACES education initiatives and taught yoga classes and kids programs for us, is gone. I am not ok with it and yet it is what it is. And that sounds trite, but it’s not.

It is.

Just like I am.

And we are.

This is a holy moment. This one, right here. Because we are in this mystery together not knowing but still choosing loving and healing day by day. Thank you Heather, Arin and Louis for inspiring us and leading with love. We love you and we honor your legacy by continuing to live with compassion, love, joy and courage. You remain in our hearts forever.

Join Lead with Love every Tuesday throughout the summer to honor Arin and practice WildYoga in the beauty of nature at ACES Hallam Lake. All proceeds support ACES environmental initiatives. Sign up HERE. Space is limited.

A memorial and celebration of life for Heather Morrow is set for Sunday June 13th in Aspen. Details HERE.

To learn more about Louis’s journey, check out his Caring Bridge site HERE.

To read my monthly columns in The Aspen Times, click HERE.